Not Your Average Gunwomen
by Angres Kestrel
Summary: Wee!! Lotsa random encounters due to the fact that the author is just...slightly...weird. Welcome to Stockton, CA, where Dante and Vash and various others meet the three who are convinced they've gone absolutely insane! (Please go easy on me- this is my
1. Default Chapter

Not Your Average Gun(wo)men  
  
******A.N.- Trigun does not belong to me. Devil May Cry does not belong to me. Hellsing does not belong to me. South/West doesn't belong to me; I just live there. I belong to me and so do all other original characters. No suey- I got no money for you.the bill collectors took it all.*******  
  
The Doors: The Angels: The Fallen: The Fey: Elemental Gate Uriel Lucifer Ma' Stald Space/Time Gate Michael T'anos Terei Balance Gate  
  
Chapter One- The Artist, the Engineer and the Voice of "Reason"  
Home, home on the Stockton campus.  
  
South/West Hall, a residence hall at University of the Pacific, was never quiet, and never peaceful. Ever. Whenever you went wandering through the halls, someone had their radio on a little too loudly, or was running around chased by someone on roller blades, or there was some sort of physical damage done to the building that reminded you that not everyone took anger management seriously. The rest of the time (after you've decided to run for the hills) meetings were being held in one or the other lounge, some sort of demonstration was about to get underway, people were hung over, or freaking out about homework- or a combination of all of the above.  
  
In short, it was a great place for college kids to live.  
  
At least, that was the case for the girls who moved in during the late summer to start their freshman year as an engineer and an English/Artist major respectively. The two did not share a room, weren't sure where, exactly, they'd met before, and probably knew next to nothing about conformity in all its glory. What they did know was that they shared an innate love of Taco Bell, anime, and video games. After all, what else is there?  
  
Midterms, school reports, art projects and microcontrollers?  
  
Anyways.  
  
The two shared an innate love of gun-toting psychopaths, or sword-wielding nutcases. Lex (the liberal arts major) loved Legato and Dante. Tabs (the engineer and/or mad scientist) loved Vash the Stampede and Dante. Of course, they'd never get to actually meet the boys (psst, girls- they're not real!) especially since their campus was so damn boring half the time, but it didn't really keep them from dreaming. Of course, those dreams were about to be shattered by a very interesting reality.  
  
"Goddamn piece of shit.come out.grr!"  
  
"Cookie?"  
  
"Over on the desk.wait, what?" She looked up but no one was there.  
  
Tabs shrugged, chalking up the voice to her overactive schizophrenia and went back to work. Unbeknownst to her, a cookie levitated and vanished as she continued work on the computer.  
  
The door to Southwest #214 was half-open, revealing a room of hardwood floor and a large pile of clothes and books shoved into one corner. The bed was half-made, as if its occupant had forgotten to finish what she was doing before moving on to more important- and more interesting- things. Water dripped steadily from a sink in the corner, but the sound was overruled by the playing of the Hellsing soundtrack, as well as the occasional muffled curse from the girl sitting in the floor. Her blondish- brown hair was greasy and hung down the sides of her face, obscuring most of the lines as she carefully unscrewed one of the disk drivers from its socket. Late afternoon sunlight slanted into the room from her wall-to- wall windows, turning the wall hangings and pictures into splashes of vivid color while she worked at pulling out the component that was irking her so badly.  
  
"And you wonder why I don't allow you near Mo without constant supervision," came a voice from just outside the door. Hazel-blue eyes glinted up past the rims of wire glasses and the girl smirked. "Just look at you."  
  
"All in the name of science," the blonde grinned, rubbing her hands together in a very Hojo-like style. Lex winced.  
  
Lexs defined herself as the opposite of tall, thin and pretty. Well, in her opinion at least. ("Yo! It's true!") Her curly black hair was tied up under a bandana and she usually wore baggy jeans and a tank top with sneakers. Her eyes were a dark brown and she tended to either smile or smirk constantly. Right now, though, she looked very concerned due to the slightly insane smile her friend was exhibiting.  
  
"Okay, okay, stop. Just.just stop. You're worrying me." Tabs stopped rubbing her hands together and just smiled, standing up.  
  
"Sorry," Tabs said, sounding amused. "So, what's up?"  
  
"Tara and I were thinking we need some real food, as opposed to the crap they feed us in the dining hall. She's driving," Lex added when Tab raised an eyebrow. "You'll drive down the one-way street the wrong way if I let you in the car in Lodi."  
  
"Lodi? Does that mean we're going home?" Tabs asked hopefully. "Home" would be Lex's house, not her own, due to a fear of overbearing mom and oversensitive boyfriends and various other annoying parts of being in a family. Actually, it wasn't a fear of the family, it was a fear of what the family would do when they found out she had a C in Computer Science ("I take things apart! What do I care about what the programs are doing!?") or a B in Calculus ("Fucking derivatives!")  
  
Then again, there always were the wonders of Computer Art I (beep beep beeeeeeep!) and/or English ("My mother is a fish."). Don't ask. No, really. Don't. Design and color: ("I'm feeling a bit woozy from the fumes." "Gee, maybe cause they're TOXIC?!")  
  
Just then, Tara knocked on the door. "Hey, are we ready to go yet?" she asked  
  
Oh, yeah, that would be Tara, the International Studies major, Tara, with warm brown eyes and a small smirk dressed in all black from head to toe. The "hallucination" seemed to pause as they all grinned at one another. As an international major, she also takes Perspectives on World History ("Do NOT study for Perspectives before going to sleep. You'll have some really strange dreams.Anyways!"), French ("Le fichi professeur doit apprendre a enseigner le fichu francais.Damnez-le.!")  
  
Strange group? Oooh yeah, and the only thing that they share is sarcasm, anime, food.and a car. And a life, too. Sort of.  
  
Tab stood up and slung a large blue overnight bag over her shoulder. "Iczer!" she exclaimed happily before prancing out the door, much to the consternation of her two friends.  
  
"Did you give her sugar?" Tara asked finally.  
  
"No, but half the bag of cookies is gone. She gave herself sugar," Lex said, shrugging. Tara nodded, and they chalked up the overactive blonde to an extreme sugar high and trudged after her, Lex yelling, "Hey! Hey! Short legs here! Wait up!"  
  
* * *  
  
"This was you today!" Lex accused.  
  
"I was not! We did not do flips and I did NOT fall asleep at the wheel!" Tabs protested as BNL continued singing happily about highway hypnosis.  
  
"No, but I was waiting for it to!" Lex shouted over the music.  
  
Tara just grinned while driving down I-5 north, heading toward Lodi, where they'd get food.for both the car and the people in the car.  
  
"I'm never letting you drive my car again!" Lex exclaimed, sitting back in the passenger seat.  
  
"Yes, you will," Tab said confidently with a grin. "Just wait 'til your bony protrusion acts up!"  
  
"Hey, I can drive us places. I don't death-merge.and I don't go down one- way streets the wrong way," Tara pointed out.  
  
"You're not helping my situation here," Tab muttered, loudly enough to make them smirk as they took the exit for the Lodi truck stop. A motorcycle revved behind them, speeding past and vanishing from sight. Lex stopped laughing long enough to peer out her windshield carefully. "Wait a second.was that man wearing a long red crushed velvet cape?"  
  
"Lex."  
  
"Yes, Tara?"  
  
"You played DMC2 all night, didn't you?" Tab accused before Tara could say anything. Lex grinned.  
  
"Cookie?" she offered hopefully.  
  
"No more DMC, okay? I don't need you hallucinating during the ride home," Tara said calmly as they pulled up to Taco Bell. "We'll watch Trigun instead, and X, ok?"  
  
"Sure. Wee!"  
  
Tabs had slid out of the car already and were stretching her legs, walking around in an increasingly small circle. A large, black leather-bound zippered shut box about the size of a small sketchbook was sticking out of her back pocket, partly visible under her short black overcoat.  
  
Lex stopped walking. "Tab, is that a computer toolkit in your back pocket?" The blonde stopped walking and casually put a hand over her pocket defensively as Lex held out her hand. Tab shook her head and backed away slowly around the car and Lex followed, saying, "You are not entering my house with a full toolkit, Tabitha. I mean it." When Tab shook her head again stubbornly and Lex sighed, looking over at Tara, who nodded, tackling Tab from behind.  
  
"Hell no! NO! NOT MY TOOLS!! GIVE THEM BACK, GIVE THEM BACK!!!" Tab screamed as she tumbled to the ground, accidentally on purpose pulling out the toolkit and throwing it into the still-open car. A crowd began to grow around the three hysterically laughing girls as Tara calmly put Tab's arms in a joint lock and Lex searched the girl for any extra tools.  
  
"Okay, you're free to go," Lex proclaimed and Tara let her go. They all stood up, dusted themselves off, and entered the Taco Bell restaurant, looking very unassuming and calm, even when the group began whispering, wondering if the two were really undercover cops here to bust the drug ring inside.  
  
"Good evening, ladies. What can I get you tonight?" the employee behind the counter started to ask when Tara said abruptly:  
  
"I need to pee"  
  
before vanishing into the side hallway where the restrooms were located. "Would you like fries with that, or nachos?" the employee asked sarcastically.  
  
"Dude, she has to pee! She hasn't ordered yet. Me, on the other hand, I want a number eight with nachos. She wants a number ten and a bean burrito. Tara." Tara reappeared and ordered quickly. They paid and sat in one of the booths while waiting for the food, watching the sunset through one window. "So," Lex said casually as they waited, "how are the wife and kids?"  
  
Outside Taco Bell, two men who looked to be in their mid-twenties were sitting on the roof of a nearby gas station building. Both had long raven- black hair and glittering sapphire-blue eyes, and pale skin, but one wore a long black cloak with the hood pulled up and the other wore a neatly pressed suit. They were eerily similar in features, but the cloaked one had long black nails, whereas the other had regular human-like nails, and were most definitely not related, but the similarity was eerie enough that Tey occasionally claimed the Angel of Death as his twin brother.much to the annoyance of Uriel.  
  
"And so it begins. How many accidents did we have to stop this time?" Tey asked, leaning back and looking up at the darkening sky.  
  
Uriel favored the other man with a long, cool look while nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie carefully, trying to make it last. "Tey, Tara was driving, not one of our dear accident-prone charges. This time, they were safe."  
  
"I'd love to meet her guardian angel. He's probably pretty cool." Tey looked over his shoulder at Uri. "Good cookie?"  
  
"Not as good as homemade cookies, but it will suffice for now," Uri said, finishing it off with a smack of his lips. "I could use some milk, though."  
  
"The world's about to end and he wants a glass of milk. Uri, you're a sweetie sometimes."  
  
Uriel frowned, glaring before saying finally, "I am the Angel of Death and- "  
  
Tey flapped a hand. "Been there, done that, heard it before, wasn't impressed then, not impressed now."  
  
Uriel favored him with another long glance, then suddenly began to sing: "I'm cute.yes it's true. I'm cute and I'm cuddly, I'm sweet and I'm loving, and you, love me too!"  
  
Tey edged away from Uri slowly. "That's a new one."  
  
Inside, Lex was staring at a man with white hair and blue eyes with studied fascination. "Wow, he's ready for Comic Con a little early. Or would that be Anime Expo?" Just then, she spotted two very real-looking guns in hip holsters. "Um.those are illegal except in Texas."  
  
"So go tell him," Tabs said through a mouthful of burrito.  
  
"No, you go tell him. He looks too much like Dante."  
  
"Hell, no! Tara, you go tell him."  
  
Tara shrugged and sipped some soda. "Okay." She started to stand when Tab grabbed her arm.  
  
"No, no! Kidding!"  
  
"Oh, it's fine. I'm not as afraid of him as you obviously-" Lex interrupted her and grabbed Tara's other arm, pointing at the handgun aimed at them under the table. "Um never mind. I'll just sit down," Tara said meekly, sitting back down. Just then, the door opened and the boys from S/W #217 strolled through the door.  
  
"Yo, Zero!" Tab called out, waving frantically and falling out of the booth. The taller blonde paused and smiled, waving.  
  
"Zero, sit with us and I'll give you a haircut!" Lex called out happily, waving a nacho at him while Tab picked herself up off the floor. Zero just winced and began backing away slowly until his roomie, X, grabbed his arm, keeping himself between Lex and the now-frightened Hunter.  
  
"That was unnecessarily cruel," Tara whispered loudly.  
  
"Would you rather I threatened to stick an ass plug in him?" Lex demanded.  
  
At the other booth, Dante choked on his soda and began to walk away quickly, reholstering the handgun. He muttered something to his red-haired partner who just stared over at the three girls with something akin to shock. Tab was back in the floor choking with laughter and wishing she had a hair tie as Zero and X sat, staring at the girls worriedly over their nachos and tacos. "Why are you all laughing insanely?" X asked.  
  
"Okay, I have to ask. Why is it you go from mildly violent to perverse?" Zero demanded, sitting down in the booth next to Tab. He unwrapped a chalupa and munched it, obviously having heard the comment.  
  
"I dunno. You just look like an ass plug kinda guy," Tara said, taking the straw out of her cup and shredding the straw wrapper.  
  
"Bite me," Zero scowled through a mouthful of food. When Tara just smiled, he wilted a little. "Um.never mind.."  
  
"So," Tabs said when the conversation died, actually taking up the initiative and starting a conversation, "what's that over there?" she asked so casually that it everyone looked over to where she was pointing, out the window at something large and hulking in the parking lot.  
  
"A wolf?"  
  
"A car?"  
  
"It's super-puppy!"  
  
Tara smacked Zero for that last comment and he laughed, throwing a french fry at her. "Be useful, Zero, or shut up."  
  
"I'll just shut up, then."  
  
Tab stood up and leaned over, pressing her hands against the clean window. The creature looked like something out of a fantasy/horror book or video game. Its eyes were glowing red and teeth filled its mouth. The play of muscles under its skin was more distracting than the creature since she wasn't quite sure what it was. It stalked toward the Taco Bell as the sun slid below the horizon, bathing the outdoors in shadows. Suddenly, it leapt forward with a roar and crashed through the window, scattering the startled college kids as someone screamed.  
  
"X! Stop screaming! And get off of me"  
  
"Sorry, Lex." X grinned sheepishly but didn't bother standing; instead, he backed away, his right arm whirring mechanically and becoming his buster cannon suddenly. Lex just stared at the monster before finally saying,  
  
"You know, its kinda cute. Think I could take it home?"  
  
"I don't think it would fit in the car," Zero said conversationally, a long saber appearing in his left hand.  
  
"You might be able to ride it home, though. Hell, we all might fit on its back," Tab added helpfully. For her efforts Tara smacked her.  
  
"Tabitha, why are you giving her ideas?"  
  
Meanwhile, Lex had approached the monstrosity and was attempting to feed the oversized wolf a nacho. "Look, the poor baby's hungry- OW, you son of a bitch!" Lex screamed, backhanding it hard enough to not only stagger it back several steps but also almost knock it over. The monster recovered and X moved farther away from Lex as it dove at her. Lex glared. "You goddamn thing, I'll knock your ass out and when you wake up, you WILL be at my house and if you eat Magic- or Mully- I'll make you wish I had killed you!" At the last moment, right before its jaws could close on her, Tara tackled her and knocked them both to the side even as Lex continued to scream at it. "You stupid, ungrateful, carnivorous-"  
  
"What side is that bony protrusion on, again?" Tara interrupted.  
  
"The left side," Lex answered before continuing her ranting, "And if you think.." She twitched once and suddenly fell silent.  
  
Just then, several gunshots were heard from the direction of the bathroom and the monster fell dead at their feet as Dante walked back into the main area of the restaurant, calmly zipping his pants one-handedly, with Ivory out and aimed at the monster. "hey, mister!" Tab yelled from her corner, where she was trying to get into the security room so they could have a tape of the whole incident, "those guns are illegal except in Texas!"  
  
Conformity. Wha?  
  
"So is the theft of security tapes," Dante snapped as she chortled suddenly, vanishing into the security room.  
  
Tara stood up with Lex under one arm. Lex looked unconscious and Zero sheathed his saber, asking, "What'd you to Lex?"  
  
"She has an off button now!" Tara exclaimed triumphantly, pointing to the left side of Lex's neck where the supposed bony protrusion resided.  
  
"I.see," Zero said slowly, helping X stand. "Okay, now that we're done visiting hallucination land."  
  
"It's not a hallucination," Tab said, reappearing suddenly.  
  
"Of course it isn't- what?" Zero frowned. "It has to be. Twelve foot tall wolves don't exist in real life."  
  
Tab held up the security tape looking uncharacteristically serious. "If it were a hallucination, it wouldn't show up on tape, right? Well, guess what.it's on the tape. Which means, ta-da, it's real!"  
  
"Um, but how?" Zero demanded.  
  
"Ask him." Tab pointed at Dante who rolled his eyes and started to say something when Lex woke up.  
  
"So, did I kill it?"  
  
"Well.not exactly," Tara said, looking alarmed when Lex began to pout. "But you did wound it severely."  
  
Dante snorted and walked off. If these kids were the hope of this world.well, the world was not in good hands.  
  
"Anyways, let's get going home," Lex said suddenly, squirming free of Tara's grasp. "Dad's gonna be looking for us."  
  
"Yea! Let's go!"  
  
And the three ran out of the room, leaving Zero and X to explain matters to the oncoming policemen. 


	2. Chapter Two: The Mysterious Vanishing Fa...

Chapter Two- The Mysterious Vanishing Family  
  
If you think things can't get weirder.well, they can.  
  
Vash had wandered through South/West Hall, followed by Merryl and Milly. "Lex? LEX! TABITHA!!! TARA!!!" he shouted, peering into open doors and around corners, looking for the girls he'd been assigned to find. "Where are you?!"  
  
"Obviously not here, dimwit!" Merryl snapped, smacking him. "Why haven't we gone to their rooms?"  
  
"Oh look!" Milly interrupted before Merryl could attack Vash. "This door has a note on it. 'Lex is at home. Wee!' I guess that must mean they aren't here."  
  
Merryl whacked Vash anyways and sighed. "Nitwit, they went to their parent's house probably, which means the demons might find them before we do. Come on!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Dad! We're home!..Dad?" Lex poked her head past the door threshold and looked around the nearly immaculate house while Tab happily patted the golden retriever Mully, who had run up to the door the moment it had been opened. Jealous, the cat Magic busily twined himself between Lex's legs, meowing insistently. "Eva?"  
  
No answer. Lex edged into the house. "This is strange. The motor home was outside, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Tara said, coming up behind the two standing in the doorway. "Could you two please move?"  
  
Tab rolled over to one side without pausing in petting Mully and Lex moved farther into the living room cautiously. Her dad's laptop was still on the footstool in front of his easy chair. "He goes nowhere without his computer.Now I'm really worried. YO EVA!" Lex shouted suddenly, startling the dog and scaring away the cat before disappearing into the back of the house. "Now I'm worried."  
  
"Try calling his celly," Tabs suggested, carrying in her overnight bag.  
  
Lex frowned but went back into the kitchen and picked up the phone, dialing her dad's cell phone number. The phone rang a few times, then someone picked up. "Hello?"  
  
"Tara?" Lex demanded. "What are you doing with my dad's cell phone?"  
  
"I just found it on top of the washer," Tara said, appearing in the living room.  
  
"Okay, kids, this is not good," Lex muttered, hanging up the phone. "He goes nowhere without his celly at the very least." Something must have occurred to her just then, because she strode into the back of the house and flung open the door to the master bedroom to confront an annoyed- looking Uri with a pack of Oreos. "Have you seen my dad?" she asked.  
  
Uri shook his head and she sighed. "Thanks anyways, Uri.Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be on your deathbed?" she demanded.  
  
Uriel took the time to swallow before replying. "Got better. Besides you and Auntie Tab need someone to watch over you, and Tey and Mikey and Ma' Stald just weren't up to it."  
  
"Ah," Lex nodded.  
  
Meanwhile, Tara and Tab had finished unpacking and searching the rest of the house when they heard Lex talking. "She's hearing voices again," Tara observed.  
  
"When don't we hear voices?" Tab asked rhetorically. "There doesn't seem to be anything out of place. It's just.no one is here."  
  
"And that's not out of place?" Tara asked.  
  
Tab shrugged. "Point taken."  
  
Lex reappeared and put her hands on her hips. "Well, where are they?" she demanded finally.  
  
"They're big people. They can take care of themselves," Tara reassured Lex, who looked upset. "Why don't we just hang out and see what happens?"  
  
What happens is that you three die now.  
  
Tab froze. "Err..Lex, the voices in my head are threatening me now," she said a little nervously while Tara scanned the room quickly, but couldn't spot the source of the voice until a tall man wearing a long white coat with a skull embedded in one shoulder appeared. His hair was blue and his eyes, gold.  
  
"Maybe there was an anime convention we weren't told about?" Tab asked in a loud whisper. "Cause that looks a lot like Legato Bluesummers."  
  
"That would be because I am," Legato stated calmly out loud. The three stared at him, jaws hanging wide open.  
  
And laughed out loud so hard that Lex had to lean against Tab to keep her feet while Tara used the couch to support herself. "Oh.ahahaahahaha! That's a good one," Lex gasped out. "You think you're scary man!"  
  
Mike walked by. "Psst, Lex. He IS Legato Bluesummers."  
  
Lex stopped laughing. "Really?"  
  
Mike nodded. "Really." He vanished into his hallway.  
  
Lex's eyes widened while Legato just watched the other two continue to laugh crazily. "So, Legato..if I give you a cookie, would you train me in the ways of evil villainish behavior?"  
  
Tara smacked her in the back of the head. "Lex, don't ask him that! He's here to kill us, not train us!" she reprimanded.  
  
"Aww.but being the hero is no fun." When they both glared at her, she sighed. "Fine. Legato, if I give you a cookie, will you tell me if you killed my parents?"  
  
"And if I did?" Legato asked with a small smile.  
  
Lex shrugged. "Yay?"  
  
He just stared at her. "That didn't come out right, did it?" Tab asked finally.  
  
"No, it did not. Are you sure she's a human?"  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"Besides, this can't possibly be real," Lex continued, more to herself than anyone else. "So I don't really have to worry about my family because you can't possibly be here trying to kill us because guess what? YOURE NOT REAL!"  
  
Legato raised an eyebrow and looked at her friends for help. Tara and Tab, however were no help because they were trying to tell Lex to not yell at possible crazies that thought they were anime characters. "Lex, shut up! The costume may be a fake and I don't see a weapon, but he might still attack us!"  
  
"Eh, he can't hurt us," Lex said confidently. "He's not real."  
  
"Yes, I am," Legato interrupted impatiently.  
  
"Really?" Lex asked doubtfully.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Well, in that case." Lex grinned and pulled a submachine gun from out of her jacket and aimed it two-handed at Legato with a smile, the slightly spacey look on her face vanishing. "What the fuck are you doing in my house, asshole?"  
  
"Preparing for your deaths," Legato repeated, starting to sound exasperated. And like a broken record.  
  
Uri walked by in the background and shook his head with a small smile. Lex's eyes flicked to him, then she grinned slightly. "In that case," she said coolly, finger tightening on the trigger "I'm afraid I'll have to say that's not an option right now."  
  
Legato's eyes widened, but not quite as much as Tab's or Tara's, both of whom had eyes the size of twin saucers and their jaws hanging open. "Where the hell did you get that?" Tabs demanded.  
  
Lex shrugged. "From Dante."  
  
"He gave it to you?" Tara asked. "I got the feeling he didn't like us."  
  
"Well." the shorter grinned. "Technically, I sort of....borrowed it...from him."  
  
Tab smacked her forehead and sighed, but Legato didn't look amused. "Do you truly think I can be defeated by a mere toy?"  
  
"Well, it's a hell of a lot better than me going 'Fireball!" in some weird Japanese Lina-Inverse accent," Tab piped up, flinging out a hand for emphasis. To her complete and utter surprise, there was a huge FWOOSH and Legato's coat burst into flames and Tab fell over backward from the blast.  
  
"SAVE THE JACKET SAVE THE JACKET!!!" Lex screamed, apparently having forgotten that the person in the jacket was trying to kill them.  
  
"Sorry!" Tabs yelled, standing up and staring at her hands shakily. "Since when could I do that?" she wondered out loud but before anyone could answer, the door burst open behind the girls.  
  
"Who the hell took my guns?!" Dante demanded, stalking into the living room as the flames died around Legato, leaving him looking exceedingly pissed off. Everyone pointed at Lex, who grinned a little sheepishly and raised her hand, and Dante glowered, but was shoved out of the way by Milly and Merryl, who ran in, aiming guns at Legato. Vash came in through the screen door, apparently having gotten lost (though he found the outdoor fridge with the sodas). Tara began shaking her head.  
  
"Okay, I knew you two were crazy, but I've never seen people before," she groaned. "This is nuts!"  
  
Tab patted Tara's shoulder soothingly and jumped when the other's shirt began to smolder. "Sorry!"  
  
Legato looked around at the crowd now gathered around the three girls and.just shook his head slowly. "I wasted too much time fooling around," he murmured more to himself than anyone else. "I will retire now." With that, he vanished, leaving Dante to stalk over to Lex and snatch away his submachine gun and holster it.  
  
"And the shotgun," he growled, holding out his hand. Tab's jaw dropped as Lex ran back out to the car and pulled it out of the trunk, returning to the room and handing it to Dante.  
  
"Where's Ivory?" he demanded. Lex smiled and reached into one of the jacket's deep pockets, the smooth silver handgun appearing in her hand. Dante took that as well and peered at the three girls, frowning as Tab attempted to help Tara stop the smoke rising from her shirtsleeve, then turned back to Lex, who was grinning. "I cannot believe we are being forced to rely on idiots like this," he muttered, crossing his arms.  
  
"I have to ask," Vash said, "where did you hide that shotgun when you stole it?"  
  
"And how did no one notice until now?" Tara demanded.  
  
Lex smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know?" she muttered, voice dropping several octaves. Tab smacked her and she grinned sheepishly.  
  
"All right now, if we're through joking around," Merryl said loudly, crossing her arms.  
  
"What if we said we weren't?" Tab asked innocently. Merryl glowered.  
  
"Well, you are."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Okay." Tab subsided with a small sniffle.  
  
Merryl strode into the center of the room and swept a finger toward the three girls, declaring in her most serious voice, "You three have been chosen for a very important mission."  
  
"No shit. What mission?" Lex asked. Tara finally got the small flames to stop licking at her clothing and was glaring at Tab, who edged away to the other side of Lex.  
  
"To save the world from the minions of Hell!"  
  
The room was silent for exactly three minutes as the news sank in. Then there came a most disturbing and upsetting sound.  
  
All three girls burst into complete and unrestrained laughter.  
  
"Ri-ight," Tara said, wiping tears from her eyes, "and how are we supposed to do that? Although, you know, my Perspectives teacher is slightly devilish."  
  
"I completely agree, Tara, and I haven't even met the man!"  
  
"Really?! Well, is the class interesting at least?"  
  
"No. We have a final next week."  
  
"Oh yeah.Speaking of which."  
  
Tab muttered, "We have finals starting Monday."  
  
"Could it wait?" Lex asked hopefully.  
  
Merryl just stared at the trio, her eyebrow twitching slightly. "NO IT CANNOT WAIT!" she screamed finally, shutting up the incessant side chatter between the girls all three of whom shut up and stared at her.  
  
"And I thought Mike had anger management issues. Other Mike, other Mike!" Tab yelled when Michael glared at her. "Geez, sorry!"  
  
"Though Mikey does, too," Uri muttered and for his efforts received a smack.  
  
"Okay, since this all so not real, what makes you think we can stop Evil?" Lex demanded.  
  
Merryl just sighed. "Vash, since you know so much more about all this, why don't you tell- Vash what are you doing?"  
  
Vash was grinning and patting Mully on the head while the golden retriever lay on his back, tongue lolling out on one side and tail thumping madly. "What's the doggie's name?"  
  
"That's Mulligan," Tara said helpfully as Merryl slapped Vash.  
  
"Pay attention, nimrod!"  
  
Dante, who was taking inventory of his weapons, spoke for the first time. "You all know the person who opened the Gates rather intimately, and it is always the one who is closest to the enemy who can stop- Give. Me. Ebony." He looked over at Lex, who stared off at some spot behind him with an innocent look.  
  
"Geez, you're really bad at this Devil Hunter stuff, aren't you?" Milly asked, holding Magic and scratching his ears.  
  
"Bite me," Dante snarled, reaching into Lex's trench coat and withdrawing the black handgun. Lex pouted. "Stupid girl."  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"You are so!"  
  
Tab just looked at all of them and shook her head. "Okay, but if all of you kickass hallucinations can't stop this guy, what makes you think we can?" she demanded over the sound of Lex arguing with Dante.  
  
"We'll train you," Vash piped up as Mully rolled over blissfully. "To be just like us, and then you'll go close the gate and perhaps even find love and peace!" Merryl smacked her forehead and gave up trying to make any of the group listen to sense.  
  
Really, the heroes had been chosen well.  
  
"I am not stupid just because I can work a Unix OS!" Lex yelled finally. "I'm an arts and English major! Go bug the engineer, smartass!"  
  
Tab shook her head. ""How did your conversation degenerate from weaponry to OS systems?" she asked, hands on hips.  
  
"I don't even want to know," Tara muttered. "I'm going to go make eggrolls."  
  
"Really?" Lex's eyes lit up. "Wee!"  
  
"They aren't listening to us," Milly complained. "Why is that?"  
  
"Because they don't believe you," Dante answered, catching hold of Lex's hand before it dove for his holster again. "We're going to have to prove that it's real to them."  
  
"There is no time!" Merryl exploded, "Soon the demons will be moving into the house next door and asking us over to play golf before killing us all for a feast!"  
  
"Dude, if we're gonna die, it's not going to be after playing golf. Paintball is just so much better."  
  
Tab snickered. "Come on, let's help Tara make dinner and then we can decide what we're going to do about all this."  
  
***  
  
After dinner finally got cooked and everyone settled down to eat (and the girls realized their hallucinations were lasting a lot longer than they were supposed to), Tab finally asked a question that had been bothering her. Well, she started to, at least. "You guys don't technically exist, do you?"  
  
"Of course not," Vash answered with his mouth full. "Not in your world at least." Tab nodded, but when he said nothing more, felt inclined to ask:  
  
"Okay, then why and how are you here?"  
  
Dante speared Vash's hand as the blond reached for one of his eggrolls before saying, "Does it make sense to you that, if one gate opens, it becomes easier to open the other gates?"  
  
"Well, yes, but isn't there like a gatekeeper to stop that?"  
  
"Porter!" Lex exclaimed with her mouth full. The others ignored her seemingly nonsensical remark and continued talking.  
  
"The gatekeeper was killed by the same person who opened the gate to Hell, so that he could hide the keys to the portal on different worlds. Three of them are here on Earth, naturally. He probably thought he should hide them closest to his point of origin because no one would look for them there."  
  
"Why wouldn't they look here?" Tab asked as Vash stole several of her eggrolls. Tara smacked his hand before he could take hers and he sniffled.  
  
"It just doesn't seem a likely place," Milly said as Merryl gagged Dante, who had been about to make a comment, "especially since humans aren't usually trusted with matters of importance."  
  
"Gee, that made me feel good," Tab muttered, opening a bag of Animal Parade cookies and munching on one. "Want one?" she offered to Vash, who took the entire bag.  
  
"That's what you get," muttered someone behind her.  
  
"So you just want us to find the keys, right?"  
  
"Actually, no. We'll be finding the keys while you train," Merryl said firmly, taking a cookie from Vash. "And then we'll give them to you and you will go close the gates of hell and restore everything back to its natural order."  
  
"Seems to me like we got the shoddy end of the deal," Tara muttered. "Why can't you all close the gates to hell?"  
  
"Well." At this, Dante looked embarrassed.  
  
"What? What's up?"  
  
"The fact of the matter is, the gates won't accept us," Vash said matter-of- factly. "They spew us out at random points in the multiverse. But the gates will accept newcomers; people it doesn't recognize as opponents or people without worthiness."  
  
"'Without worthiness?' Gee, that makes me want to hurt the world even more," Lex said sarcastically, tearing into an eggroll viciously. "So why does Legato want us dead?"  
  
"He just wants all of humanity to die," Vash said reassuringly. "It's nothing personal."  
  
"And, that makes me feel better, too. So we weren't chosen by anything?" Lex asked. When the others shook their heads, she sighed. Tara finished her dinner.  
  
"I'm going to bed. Good night."  
  
"Training starts tomorrow!" Merryl called after. "Don't forget!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Tara vanished into Lex's brother Sean's room.  
  
"Well, if we aren't 'chosen' why are we even bothering to do this?" Tab demanded. "I have bio homework."  
  
"I agree." Lex stood up. "Sorry, but we have better things to do than go insane and track down fake demons."  
  
Both vanished into their respective rooms and Merryl sighed. "Maybe we should have tried the truth?" Vash suggested. Dante snorted.  
  
"That they are the keys and we need them to go into hell so we can close the door behind them and keep the doors closed permanently? I think not. They don't strike me as the self-sacrificing type."  
  
"True." Merryl sighed. "I hope this works."  
  
***  
  
"Does anyone else get a really bad feeling about this?" Tara asked when the three reconvened in the now-empty living room. Mikey was keeping watch down the hall for the anime boys and girls, while listening in on the conversation.  
  
"No, shit!" Lex exploded. "We are the only three real people in this entire house, yet none of these hallucinations are leaving!"  
  
"You know, I get the feeling things are just going to get stranger," Tab muttered, playing Devil May Cry 2. "But hey, at least it's not summer and not the regular school year. Then again, maybe it doesn't matter because your dad had us sent to the institution in the real world, for being overly imaginative."  
  
"'Gate to hell?'" Lex repeated from earlier, ignoring Tab's ramblings. "But we're not chosen for anything so it's okay for us to close it. Why doesn't that make sense?"  
  
"Because it doesn't fit any known video game or anime or book plot that we know and Dante, where do you think you're leaping?" Tab demanded at the screen. The other two just sort of stared at her, then went back to their discussion.  
  
"So, what now?" Lex asked.  
  
"I say we pretend like nothing happened and go back to our normal everyday lives, and then Sunday night head back to UOP," Tara suggested.  
  
"Sounds like a plan. Tab, what do you think?"  
  
"Okay," she said calmly, annihilating a few golems. "Whatever floats your boat. Or, rather, ours."  
  
"It is okay to say no, you know," Lex pointed out.  
  
Tab frowned. "What, you want me to say no, I want to do what the voices in my head are telling me to do?" she demanded. "Fine, cool, great." She stood up and turned off the PS2. "I think I'm gonna head to bed. Night, all."  
  
She vanished into the spare bedroom, closing the door with a small click and the remaining two just looked at one another. "Well, that about decides it," Lex muttered, standing. "Tomorrow we act like nothing out of the ordinary happened, and get back to reality as soon as physically possible."  
  
"Agreed." 


End file.
